Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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