i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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