I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
