I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
