And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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