TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
