If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
