After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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