Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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