i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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