I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
