i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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