I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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