You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
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Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
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I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We are all done wearing pants today
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
His nipple licking is glorious
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