I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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