So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I understand Curling. That high.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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