I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
