just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
you inspire me to be a worse person
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
