I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
