it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You took a bar mat shot.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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