I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Pants are for mortals
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
