If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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