I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
