Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
This house was built for laser tag.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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