Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
did you just send me my own nude
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
