hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
