as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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