The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
