I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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