what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
