So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
