Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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