You smell like a Billy Joel song
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
