Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
