I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
