I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
