thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
