We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I don't deserve a penis
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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