There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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