Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Randomize
