Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
