My first STD was from a foam party
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
