I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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