I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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