I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
