this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
