Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
