I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
