Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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