hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
too bad you live with your parents still
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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