I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
