your parents love me but you hate me
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So much rum. So many feels.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
