She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
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It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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