so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize
