I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Randomize
