I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
