If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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