you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
