Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
