I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
